


SIN

by Peregrine



Category: Over the Garden Wall (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Implied Sexual Content, birbsex, sin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 11:29:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6702931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peregrine/pseuds/Peregrine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wirt and Beatrice sin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	SIN

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a joke so please don't leave scalding reviews.
> 
> For best results, please listen to the following song while you read:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6QZn9xiuOE

 

The Woodsman watched as Gregory weaved around the trees in front of him, carrying the frog along for the ride. In his older age, the Woodsman had a bit of a hard time keeping up. “Slow down, child,” he called out, leaning down to rub one of his sore knees.

“But we're almost there! Aren't we, Mr. President!” The frog croaked in agreement.

It was another couple of minutes but the old Grist Mill finally came into view. “Beatrice and Wirt are in here!” Greg said, waving his hand enthusiastically at the broken down mill. The Woodsman's eyes crinkled at the sight but he quickly shook his memories away. He had to talk to the boy - talk to Wirt before The Beast realized what he was up to.

Taking a step into the old house, the two of them were met with an eerie silence. “Wirt?” Greg called out, his eyes wide as he looked around the small cabin. It seemed completely empty. “Wirt?!?” Greg tried again, taking several steps forward. “Now where is that brother 'o mine?” the young boy asked, holding up the frog.

“Perhaps your older brother is upstairs,” the Woodsman said, putting his hand on the railing. As if on queue, a loud thump came from upstairs.

“Wirt? Was that you?” Greg said, running up the stairs faster than the woodman could follow. The Woodman huffed and climbed up after him, sweating by the time he reached the top. Greg was standing in the hallway, looking this way and that. Another sound - this time a soft groan, came from behind the door to their left. The voice was unmistakably Wirt's.

“Wirt? Have you become a ghost?” Greg asked, standing in front of the door.

Again a sound came from behind the door but this time it was the voice of a girl. “A-ah! Right there!”

“Beatrice??? Are you a ghost too???” Greg reached for the door handle but the Woodsman grabbed his hand and stopped him.

“Let me handle this, son.” Taking several steps back, the Woodsman charged at the door and smashed his foot into the wooden frame, sending the door swinging back. There was a cry of surprise from both Wirt and Beatrice and Greg's eyes went as wide as saucers.

Wirt was situated on the bed, his lips on Beatrice's fluffy tummy as he stared at the intruders. His shirt was off and his pants were unzipped, a visible bulge in his trousers.

“Cheese and Crackers!” Beatrice cursed, pulling herself out from under Wirt with her wings. “Don't you people know how to knock?!”

“I-it's not what it looks like!” Wirt stuttered, his face completely flushed. He tried to get off the bed but his pants fell around his ankles and he tripped, tumbling onto the ground.

“What is going on here?” The Woodsman shouted.

“Well Wirt has his pants down,” Gregory piped up. “And Beatrice is glaring at us-”

“Boy!” The Woodsman interrupted, stomping up to Wirt. “What kind of tomfoolery is this???”

“Well, I'm out of here!” Beatrice said, spreading her wings and flying out the open door.

“B-beatrice, wait!” Wirt called pulling up his pants. But as he tried to run after Beatrice, the Woodsman blocked his ways. Wirt backed away, fear evident in his eyes. “Listen...I know what that looked like but...I can explain!”

“I don't think there is anything here to explain!” The Woodsman grabbed Wirt by his shirt collar and lifted him off the ground. “Wait here, Gregory,” the Woodsman said, his voice a little softer. “There is something I need to speak to your brother about.” With that, the Woodsman dragged Wirt out of the room and into the next room over before slamming the door shut behind them and throwing Wirt to the floor. Wirt scrambled quickly to his feet, his blush spreading all the way from ear to ear.

“Boy, do you realize the sin you have committed???”

“I swear, I can explain if you just give me a chance!”

“Then explain that!” the Woodsman bellowed, pointing to the bulge in his trousers.

“I...I can't explain that, can I?” Wirt covered his face with his hands.

“The only explaining you need to do is to god!” The Woodsman waved his ax towards the roof.

“I-I can do that. I think?” Wirt said, not sounding entirely sure of himself.

“It's time to repent for your sins,” The Woodsman approached him, his figure towering above Wirt's.

“Ye-yeah!” Wirt said, nodding a little too eagerly. “I'll ask god for his forgiveness.”

“You'll have to do more than that to repent!” The Woodsman bellowed, causing Wirt to quake. He raised his ax above his head and Wirt's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets.

“W-wait. No! There must be another way!” Wirt said, stepping back until he was cowering back against the wall.

“There is only one way!” The Woodman cried. He brought the ax down in one swift motion - and put it back into his belt. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled a small gold band. “You must ask for her wing in marriage!”

“Wait, what?” Wirt said, looking a little less frightened that before – but a lot more confused.

“Fornication outside the bond of marriage is a sin!” The Woodsman said, offering the ring to Wirt.

“Wait, but...I thought...” Wirt said, glancing between the Woodsman's face and the ring. He narrowed his eyes. “You don't think it's weird that Beatrice is...well...”

“Young man, I may not look it but I was once your age. I know all about young love.”

“Yeah...uh...” Wirt said, his gaze falling to the floor.

"Her name was Barbara.” The Woodsman continued.

Wirt pursed his lips.

“I spent a long time admiring her from afar. She had this way of moving...this way of preening her feathers...”

“Feathers???”

“Yes, son. She was the finest woodpecker I'd ever laid my eyes upon!”

“Um...” Wirt said but decided there was really nothing he had to say about this.

“Alas, she ran off with that no-good skunk, Harold!”

“Oh. Was...was he an actual skunk?”

“No, he was a man like you and I. The point is, you must not let this opportunity pass! You can court her but you must do so within god's domain!”

“I wasn't really...I mean...I don't think she...” Wirt said, sweat forming on his brow.

The Woodsman pursed his lips and shoved the ring forward. “Take it, my boy.” The Woodsman was looking really intensely at him and Wirt decided he really didn't have a choice in this matter. He took the ring and closed his fist around it, feeling the tarnished metal against his palm. Wirt wondered where the ring had come from but he decided not to ask that either.

Meanwhile, in a town very far away, a man suddenly turned to his woodpecker wife.

“Why do I get this queer feeling that you're hiding something from me, Barbara?” He couldn't remember much before Gravity Falls but he suddenly had a suspicion that he was not the only man Barbara had ever been with.

 


End file.
